I am doing a dangerous job, mistakes are what I have to avoid. Cause any mistake could lead to injury, or even death of myself or the people around me. Its an apparent and serious fact. Fatigue is my worst foe by all senses. Yet I cant get the rest I need when I am in there. But i it logical to sacrifice the little time I have out here to get rest? It is like a desperate struggle to get all these little allocation of time right.

Sometimes it seems stupid, what I am doing. Week after week I struggle out there, to say hi and let the people know I am still there for them. Even if we meet to do nothing. I go there, being physically present, but mentally not exactly 100% there. I wonder sometimes, will this be what my friends really want? But its something I still want to do. Though I really need a break soon. Maybe the weekend after next.

The world seems like its closing down on me, getting really cruel and unforgiving. And I realised I am not the only one going through this. So perhaps I have been irresponsible to think some of the things I did. I havent been thinking for others really. I am starting to take my emotions as my judgement. Unfair, definitely. The reason, tiredness, or rather the excuse. Its time I found a way to overcome these selfish thoughts. Somethings are not worth complaining about, as the army has taught me, just suck thumb.

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I feel like a parent, deep in personal disappoval, yet still supporting. But when I realise you have your regrets and difficulties too, then I know all the more I have to be there. For you.