Im just watching, and letting them live out what I cannot live. In a sense, I feel really old, really really old. Like an old grandfather, sitting on that rocking chair, watching my grandchildren boarding that yellow school bus, and then waiting for their return to tell me what they have done for that day. Its kind of a good feeling actually.

My friend suddenly asked me yesterday if I was emoing. And I was tickled. Would you ask an old man who is staring into blankness if he is emoing? Thats the way things are now. For I finally could once honestly say I wasnt.

In recent days, I also found that I no longer want to talk about my life anymore. Its like you dont tell the grandchildren what you have been doing. Like the grandchildren would be interested in whether you watered the plants today, or went down to the grocery store. Its all so insignificant. And thats the way things are.

Its ironical how I feel so old when I am at fact so young, and these grandchildren I am watching are actually a step in front of me in life. The similarity between me and an old man, the lack of hope. Well, at least my old age only last for 2 years. And then I hope I can find in my heart whatever youth I still have, and live this colourful life that people are talking about.